Catch a Job if You Can

I went to the Job Center for my bi-weekly signing where the eloquent Victor bravely managed to keep me awake just before playing the most soporific video ever on ‘How to make your CV!’ I’m not a CV expert but the tutorial was plain BORING.

However, I went home and reworked my resume. On average I send about 50 CVs a week. The percentage return on it is very low, I won’t mention the exact number because it is not only a source of frustration but it is also embarrassing.

When applying I tried different strategies such as being a minority.

Most companies ask you to fill a “diversity questionnaire”. It made me think there may be quotas when employing someone. Not to leave my fate to luck I wrote down that I was bisexual, mixed race and Buddhist.

You probably wonder if it works?

To be totally honest I haven’t been able to establish the existence of quotas (so far) on race, gender, sexual orientation or religion.

I even went as far as paying for having my CV done.

Is it working?

Nope.

Their use of the English language was borderline awful and I had to rewrite my achievements, which is basically the whole thing.

Another spanner in the works, it appears companies and recruitment agencies are now using software to select candidates. Looking for key words, I never felt more undervalued as a human being. The process of dehumanisation has begun.

The person doesn’t matter anymore, you have 500 applicants for each job, 100 of them can do the job. Is it important if ‘we’ don’t get the best candidate? ‘We’ will select the ones with the matching key words and hire the most compatible of the bunch.

I strongly felt this robotic approach at my previous workplace. They allocated me number 10800, I was employee 10800.

It was a broadcasting company; I was thrilled as I thought Cocaine, Whisky and Orgies were customary (well, that’s my issues). Turned out I couldn’t have been more wrong. It felt like corporate environment all along. They stripped down my personality, they cut my identity to the core, not even a “Mr. 10800”, it was just “10800”. I was reproached to talk personally to people instead of sending emails (fucking efficiency right?), ‘and wipe out your smile, no one should seem happy at work’! Happiness can be contagious, next thing you know, the whole company is happy; they gather, they talk, they complain and they demand things (Orwellian!)! ’Why are you strolling down corridors’ I was told? ‘Chain him to his desk!’ ‘Burn the Beast’ (I’m getting carried away but you get the feeling).

It got me thinking; with the way things are going, why bother giving our children a name? Welcome to the world, you are human 7 201 667 011.

The important question would be:

Do we reallocate numbers every time someone dies, sorry a number dies, sorry a number ceases to breathe (is dying is for living creatures)?

I believe there would be a fight over the early numbers.

Of course not, silly me! Wealthy people would buy them. Imagine being number 1 in the world?

If you’re thinking of applying for a patent and becoming the only company selling those numbers, you’re simply too late. Sorry!

Caro Gomez